To an old friend,
I missed you today. Not because it was another day of my life. But because it was a day I would have loved to have you next to me.
I thought about you today. About the many nights that we fought wars with feelings. Nights when we sat in silence and those that we talked into the morning. Nights when we took long walks and stray dogs stared at us as if they knew our troubled hearts. Dogs can smell pain, you know.
You were a light in my life during the darkest period of my life. You saw me bludgeoned by circumstance. Lost, injured and hurt by chance. I screamed to the heavens, loudly screamed. And the universe gave me you. You tried to turn my nightmares to dreams. You taught me that love lies in the smiles of the broken. I could talk to you and everything would be okay. The world would slow down when I hugged you. Noises quietened. The stars shone brighter and we would go shopping for ice scream in the middle of the night. Dealer’s choice, you would say.
I learnt to taste and love. Be vulnerable with you. Tell you things I would never tell anyone. I learnt to hold you, keep you close, while you were still mine. Mine to hold.
When you left, I had to learn, learn that you would not be there anymore. Teach myself to bid you goodbye. Treasure the memories because you were gone. I think I have accepted that you are gone, but not fully enough to stop the occasional thought of you and honestly, I do not think I want to. I lost you and I do not think I want to lose your memory too.
I am grateful for the times we shared. These memories I hold dear.
I am sorry for the times I did not appreciate you enough. I will regret these moments for a long time.
When we first became friends, I never thought I would be writing this letter. But no one ever walks into a friendship expecting it to end. There are times when I feel your presence at my side. There are times when I hear you say it will be alright. There are times when I see your face in the crowd. And I turn around. There are times when I miss you and my heart begins to ache. And times when I feel strong and I know I can finally move on.
I like to think that you are okay there where you are. That you are happy. I like to believe that someday we will find each other again. When we do, hug me like you lost me. Let me feel your weight. Don’t be mean.
No matter how much time there is in this life, I think of you from time to time. And remember you with a smile.
Yours,
Loch.